Mi Familia!
First of all, thank you everyone for your tender notes today. Really, they all were exactly what I needed. This week was really, really hard. I finally hit the point where I legitimately didn't want to be a missionary anymore (don't worry, I'm not going anywhere. ;) ). I just have been piling all the responsibility on myself like I'm known to do and really forgetting why I'm here. I've been so, so scared of making wrong decisions or not being able to teach/love M'hija like I should especially with the language barrier...plus our investigators are kind of disappearing. We haven't seen heard from Abacu for more than a week. And I've just felt so lonely. I miss the way things used to be with Hermana King.
I know, I'm such a baby! And I kept thinking, doesn't God know that? Doesn't He know that i can't handle things like this? Why is He letting me be so, so heartbroken and stressed and worried right now? Every morning I woke up with a sinking feeling in my heart because I was worried about how the day would go. I know, I know, it's stupid. But this week was a serious trial for me, probably the biggest of my mission.
Yesterday when I was taking the sacrament I really thought hard about renewing my covenants. Part of me--a bigger part than I want to admit--wanted to take it back, wanted to unconsecrate my life to God. Because when you give your life to God it means you have to go through the refiner's fire. I sat there and thought about it for a while. Finally, I made a decision. I said in my mind, "Ok, Heavenly Father. I'm giving my life to you again. Do what you want with it."
It's so easy to say you'll give your life to God when things are easy. It took so much faith yesterday. But I meant it. I really did. I love Him and I just want to serve Him. And I trust Him. As I keep my end of my covenants, He will, too. I have felt so many times in my life, especially since going to the temple, that He is blessing me far beyond what I deserve. I know I'll feel that way again. And even in the times where I'm at rock bottom, I know I'm only going through it so I can be happy.
Last night we had the first world-wide missionary broadcast. Oh my goodness, I ate it up. First of all, we were told that we are going to start using more Internet sources like email, Facebook, and Twitter (what are those, again?) to contact people and teach lessons. They're trying to move us away from having to knock doors to find people since that really isn't effective in this day and age. This was great to hear because I really, really hate knocking doors, as do all missionaries.
But what really got me was how everyone kept talking about how involved God is in missionary work. I was taken back to the beginning of my mission when I was so excited to be doing this work. I realized then how big of a deal it is and how great of an honor and blessing it is to be a part of it. All the speakers kept reminding us that God is with us. He is in this work. He only asks for our best effort and He will make up the rest. It is literally impossible to do this on our own, as I have learned this week. But we're not alone! We are not alone! This is His work and His children and He will help us.
This morning I read about the Jesus feeding the 5000. Missionary work is just like that. There are so many people to help and I just feel like I have so little to offer. And that's true. I'm pretty weak. But Christ isn't. And He will multiply my efforts until everyone is fed, and the baskets will still be overflowing.
My faith, hope, and patience have been seriously tried this week. But that's good because those attributes are pretty important as a missionary. I still have a long ways to go but I'm feeling better. I'm determined to make this transfer a good experience and to show M'hija how great missionary work is!
I love you all so much. Keep making good decisions and doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do. Be a member missionary, pray and read together, and remember how awesome you are. I know this church is true. I know God loves all His children and everything He does is for our good.
Mucho amor,
Hermana Lund
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